You Got Mail From Mars
by Soccerdevil2222
Summary: Basically a series of funny messages between Watney, the Hermes crew, and NASA. Obviously set in an AU in which Watney was struck with some other piece of debris instead of the communications dish. Also, I know that the Hermes crew would just talk to one another instead of emailing but this makes it funnier, I think. Should really be rated M but then people would never see it.
1. Chapter 1

You've Got Mail… From Mars

Summary: Basically a series of funny messages between Watney, the Hermes crew, and NASA. Obviously set in an AU in which Watney was struck with some other piece of debris instead of the communications dish. Also, I know that the Hermes crew would just talk to one another instead of emailing but this makes it funnier, I think. I classify this story as a shortie… meaning it will be anywhere between 1-4 chapters long and updated sporadically… or possibly never after this first chapter.

Chapter One:

From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)

To: HERMES Crew (ALL)

CC: NASA (ALL)

Subject: SURPRISE!

Sol 7 (or Sol 19 if you didn't read the book)

06:53

YOU ABANDONED ME ON MARS YOU ASSHOLES!

Mark

* * *

From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command

To: NASA (ALL)

CC: Sanders, Kapoor

Subject: Houston We Have a Problem

Sol 7/19

06:55

So… Yea… Apparently Mark's still alive. Um… our bad. Uh… What now?

Rick

* * *

From: Lewis (Commander)

To: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)

CC: NASA (ALL)

Subject: Status Update

Sol 7/19

06:55

Watney, report. What is your status?

Melissa

* * *

To: Lewis (Commander)

From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)

CC: NASA

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 7/19

06:56

I am alive and all alone on a deserted planet with no way to get home! Why did you leave me here? I thought you liked me!

Mark

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders, Kapoor

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: Are you fucking kidding me!

06:59

Are you fucking kidding me!

Annie

PS- Mark, cut the shit! The Press won't be able to tell you're being sarcastic through email!

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Montrose, Kapoor

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: Sol 6/18 Incident

07:00

Everyone, start watching your language. We're a public domain and this is an extraordinary event. We'll have to start publishing all emails related to this topic. It is not professional to have all these expletives on the evening news.

Mark, what happened? Why did the crew think you were dead?

Teddy

* * *

From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)

To: Sanders (Director, NASA)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL), NASA (ALL) Montrose, Kapoor

Subject: RE: Sol 6/18 Incident

Sol 7/19

07:05

Storm from hell, murderous rover equipment, along with being ABANDONED on a deserted planet and the whole thing is reduced to an 'incident'? Fuck you Teddy.

Mark

* * *

From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)

To: Sanders (Director, NASA)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL), NASA (ALL) Montrose, Kapoor

Subject: RE: Sol 6/18 Incident

Sol 7/19

07:06

Oh and as for watching my language, how's this Teddy.

8-))))-D - - - { . } { . }

Mark

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders, Kapoor

Subject: Watney's Last Message

07:08

Was that a penis ejaculating on a pair of breasts?

Annie

* * *

From Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Montrose, Sanders

Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message

07:09

Yep.

Venkat

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders, Kapoor

Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message

07:10

Fuck.

Annie

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Montrose, Sanders

Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message

07:11

Yep.

Venkat

* * *

From: Beck (Medic)

To: Lewis, Martinez, Vogel, Johanssen

Subject: Watney Alive=US Assholes

Sol 7/19

07:15

So… we're definitely going to be considered assholes back on earth for this, right?

Chris

* * *

From: Vogel (Chemist)

To: Lewis, Martinez, Beck, Johanssen

Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes

Sol 7/19

07:17

Da. I don't zee any way to avoid zat conclusion.

Alex

* * *

From: Johanssen (SysOp)

To: Lewis, Martinez, Vogel, Beck

Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes

Sol 7/19

07:20

I could hack into NASA and delete the email logs. I can also hack into SATCOM and crash every satellite around Mars. Without proof, NASA might not release the fact that he is alive.

Beth

* * *

From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

To: Lewis, Vogel, Beck, Johanssen

Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes

Sol 7/19

07:22

A little extreme, Beth but it's a good back up plan. We'll keep it in reserve.

Rick

From: Lewis

To: Martinez, Vogel, Beck, Johanssen

Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes

Sol 7/19

07:24

Let's try a plan that does not get Beth thrown in Gitmo and costs the tax payers tens of millions of dollars. Besides, Watney's first message was sent to all of NASA. Eleven thousand people can't keep a secret this big.

Melissa

* * *

From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Montrose

Subject: Watney Alive

07:59

What the fuck is wrong with you two? Why the hell didn't you wake me up! Get me up to speed, now damn it!

Mitch

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Henderson, Sanders, Montrose

Subject: RE: Watney Alive

08:02

Sorry Mitch. As you can understand, things have been crazy. The important thing is, Watney is alive.

Venkat

* * *

From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Montrose

Subject: RE: Watney Alive

08:04

No fucking shit Watney is alive. That's why the subject line reads "Watney Alive". How the fuck is he alive and how did we not realize it until now?

Mitch

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Henderson, Kapoor, Montrose

Subject: RE: Watney Alive

Attached: FWD: SURPRISE!, FWD: RE: Status Update, FWD: RE: Sol 6/18 Incident

08:10

Mitch, review the attached messages to get up to speed. Also, get to JSC immediately.

Teddy

PS- Watch your language from now on.

* * *

From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Montrose

Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message

08:15

BAWAHAHAHA!

Mitch

* * *

From: Watney (Lonely Martian)

To: HERMES Crew (ALL)

CC: NASA (ALL)

Subject: Are you receiving me?

Sol 7/19

08:30

Uh… how come nobody has talked to me for the last hour and a half? I'm all alone on a deserted planet with a ten inch metal rod sticking out of my abdomen. Don't you want to hear about me harrowing tale of survival? It's going to make an epic movie!

Mark


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

A/N: So I was quite surprised by the response to this story. Thus, I am continuing it for the time being. Since I am basically making this story up as I go along, if you have any ideas for the direction you would like to see this take, shoot me a review and I'll consider it. Again, I have no idea how long this story will be but continue to expect chapters of less then 2000 words. Don't expect weekly updates. This chapter just surprising came together within the last two hours or so but prior to tonight, I hadn't worked on it at all since the first posting. I hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for reading!

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Montrose (Media Relations)

CC: Kapoor, Henderson,

Subject: RE: Press Inquiries

09:30

For the last time Annie, we can't just turn the HERMES around. It's too dangerous. I don't care if the Press keeps asking the same questions. It's not going to happen.

Teddy

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders (Director, NASA)

CC: Kapoor, Henderson

Subject: RE: Press Inquiries

09:35

There is nothing around them for 50 million miles, how fucking dangerous can it be? It's not like they are pulling a u-ey during rush-hour in LA for Christ's sakes.

Annie

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Sanders (Director, NASA)

CC: Henderson, Ng, Montrose

Subject: HERMES U-Turn

10:15

I've spent the few days discussing the possibility with Bruce Ng and he says it is doable but it wouldn't be an instantaneous thing. It would take a couple months to pull it off.

Venkat

* * *

From: Ng (Director, JPL)

To: Sanders (Director, NASA)

CC: Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: RE: HERMES U-Turn

10:22

The main issue is that we need to slow them down first before we can alter their course so drastically. They are already one-third of the way to the HERMES top speed. It will take them at least a month to slow down enough for the turn. Once that is done, we will have to constantly monitor their speed as they return to Mars. I still have a team trying to work out how to get the HERMES back as fast as possible. Obviously we can't get too much speed going or we won't be able to slow down in time to enter orbit. The HERMES will basically have to crawl back to Mars. Preliminary estimates suggest we can get them back to Mars by Sol 115 at the earliest.

We think Watney has enough food to last as long as Sol 220 or so; provided he rations. However, once the HERMES is back in orbit around Mars we still have to get Watney to the HERMES. Still don't know if that can even be done.

Bruce

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Ng (Director, JPL)

CC: Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: RE: HERMES U-Turn

10:28

There is no point in sending the HERMES back just to orbit Mars until Mark dies. That is both a waste of time and needlessly extends the burden of stress on the HERMES and potentially reduces its service life.

Teddy

* * *

From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)

To: Sanders (Director, NASA)

CC: Kapoor, Ng, Montrose

Subject: RE: HERMES U-Turn

10:36

What the fuck are you talking about? The HERMES was designed to last all five ARES missions. Not to mention, ARES III's mission was abandoned after just six Sols. It was supposed to orbit Mars for another 25 Sols on this mission alone. You're just being a chicken shit coward. Send the HERMES back and I'm sure JPL can come up with some kind of plan by the time they arrive. If not, we just bring them home later.

Mitch

* * *

From: Kapoor

To: Henderson

CC: Sanders, Ng, Montrose

Subject: RE: HERMES U-Turn

10:44

But consider the emotional trauma this could put the rest of the crew under. They've already left Mars once thinking Mark was dead. If they return to Mars only to listen to him slowly starve and then have to lose and leave him again… it would devastate them. If JPL can come up with a way of getting Mark to the HERMES once it's in orbit, then I'd be more than willing to agree with this plan. Until then, I don't think the U-Turn should be performed. It's unnecessarily risky.

Venkat

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)

CC: Sanders, Kapoor, Ng

Subject: Need better name

10:49

If we do go ahead and do this, we need a better name for it. I'm not going before the Press and calling this Operation: HERMES U-Turn. Sounds like something a couple of rednecks would come up with.

Annie

* * *

From: Park (SatCon)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

Subject: Daily Watney Report

12:00

I think Mark is getting pretty bored. Today's EVA consisted of him driving Rover 2 around for a few hours… I think until it ran out of battery. He then did some work on the Rover before driving it around some more.

Mindy

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Park (SatCon)

Subject: RE: Daily Watney Report

12:05

Maybe he's testing the battery life to see how far he can get with it. He probably scavenged the batteries form Rover 1 and hooked them up after the first one died.

Venkat

* * *

From: Park (SatCon)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

Subject: RE: Daily Watney Report

12:10

I guess it's possible, but… Sir I think he's getting really bored up there by himself.

Mindy

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Park (SatCon)

Subject: RE: Daily Watney Report

12:12

Why do you say that?

Venkat

* * *

From: Park (SatCon)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

Subject: RE: Daily Watney Report

12:15

Because he spent the entire second battery doing donuts outside the HAB… that's 4 hours' worth of donuts sir.

Mindy

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Watney (Lonely Martian)

Subject: Today's EVAs

13:12

Mark, we've had a request from JPL that you go easier on Rover 2's tires. They were not designed with the intent that an astronaut would be doing donuts with them. We are worried that they might become damaged with the extreme excess use.

Venkat

PS- Also, Annie Montrose has asked that you please change back your designation title to "Biologist/Engineer". She says it's implications of your mental state are bad for PR. The Press have not yet picked up on your sense of humor. We would change it from here, but it seems that whatever you did locked us out.

* * *

From: Watney (Supreme Ruler of Mars)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

Sol 22

13:30

Am I not warranted a little entertainment? All I got here is seventies TV, Disco music (courtesy of Commander Lewis), and Vogel's weird German movies (which I can't understand) to keep my attention. I really wasn't thinking when I only packed ten movies to bring with me. I knew I should have brought all twenty-two seasons of Walking Dead but noooooo. "Too violent" the shrinks said. "Bring something fun and light-hearted" they said. As awesome as Disney movies are, a guy can only watch Lion King and Frozen so many times. I swear, if I have to listen to 'Let it go' one more time I'm saying Akuna Mutata and walking out of the HAB without my helmet on. Watching people hack up zombies or get eaten alive never gets old!

As for the rover wheels, we got two rovers. If the tires on one pop, I just steal them from Rover 1. It's not like I need two functioning rovers up here. Besides, they'll be fine. Tell those worrywarts over at JPL these tanks can survive a little Martian road rage.

Mark

PS- I request that Rover 2 be henceforth called 'the General Lee'.

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

Subject: Watney's Antics

13:50

Supreme Ruler of Mars? Supreme Ruler of Mars!

Tonight's Press conference is going to be a fucking disaster. Between the hillbilly driving, Mark's Anti-Disney rant, the pop culture references, and his new egotistical moniker. Arrghh! Why couldn't Johanssen been left behind. We would barely have gotten ten words a message out her. I'd rather be dealing with too little information then all this bullshit!

Annie

* * *

From Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Montrose (Media Relations)

Subject: RE: Watney's Antics

14:00

Well, you did want him to change his designation. What did you expect from him? Honestly, I thought he'd just ignore the request altogether. And look on the bright side, at least he keeps your job interesting.

Venkat


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for your continued interest in this story. Here's chapter 3 for ya. Read and Review. Who knows if I like your idea, I might try and include it in my story. Shout out to James the Vet. You suggested it, so here it is.

* * *

Chapter Three:

From: Park (SatCon)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

CC: Montrose (Media Relations)

Subject: Rover… modification?

Attached: Pic 1

07:35

Um… remember how Mark removed the roof of Rover 1 7 Sols ago. Well he spent the day removing the roof of the Rover 2 (aka 'the General Lee') and replacing it with what I assume is Rover 1's roof. Um… well, I'll just let the picture explain the rest.

Mindy

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Henderson, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

07:37

Mark paints a confederate flag on the roof of Rover 2 and I'm only CC'd on the damn message! What the fuck is wrong with you! Teddy, Venkat, Mitch: one of you dickless motherfuckers better get that prick in line! He is single handedly going to destroy our organizations reputation!

Annie

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Sanders, Montrose, Henderson, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

07:42

I'm still trying to figure out where the hell he got the paint?

Venkat

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

07:47

Calm down Annie. I think by this point the Press understands that Watney is a bit off a dark horse and that we have zero control over what he does or says. What are we supposed to say to him? Behave or we'll leave your ass on Mars? We can't do it and he knows it. Just play damage control. Chalk it up to stress or the 70's TV he's always complaining about.

Teddy

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Henderson, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

07:59

This guy is going to give me an aneurysm. Have we made a decision on the HERMES U-Turn yet?

Annie

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Sanders, Montrose, Henderson, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

08:08

I thought you didn't want us to call it that? And yes, I think we have a plan in place. Bruce emailed me this morning… ironically this subject line works for this topic as well. He's going to send Mark specifications on how to rig "the General Lee" for a long distant trip to the ARES IV MAV once they finish putting it together. From there he can launch into orbit and rendezvous with the HERMES. Now that we have a way to get him off Mars, there is now no reason not to perform a direct-abort back to Mars. The HERMES will be back in orbit around Mars 150 Sols later. It can then orbit Mars until Mark gets to ARES IV. We predict it will take Watney 53.3 Sols to reach ARES IV, provided there aren't any delays. For safety reasons, we won't have Watney leave the HAB until the HERMES is back in orbit. The less time he has to spend in the Rover, the better. Too much could go wrong and there are no room for backup systems.

Venkat

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Henderson, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

08:10

I don't give a flying fuck what we call this maneuver at this point. Anything to distract the Press from the atrocity that is Rover 2 is good enough for me.

Annie

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

08:13

Good news from Bruce. Pass on our appreciation to the JPL team, Venkat. Anything to add Mitch?

Teddy

* * *

From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

Attached: 4

08:16

Mitch

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

08:19

Anything besides a video of you laughing at the Rover pic?

Teddy

* * *

From: Park (SatCon)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

08:22

Um… excuses me. I know you all probably forgot I was on this email chain but… um, I thought he only had enough food for 110 more Sols. If it is going to take the HERMES 150 Sols to get back to Mars and then another 53 Sols for him to get to ARES IV, won't he be long out of food by then? And what if there is a problem along the way that delays him?

Mindy

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Sanders, Henderson, Montrose, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

08:39

They had not thought of that.

Venkat

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: Sanders, Kapoor, Henderson, Park

Subject: RE: Rover… modifications?

08:41

Fuck. 11 fucking thousand Brainiac's working for us and they're all outsmarted by some glorified space paparazzo. Fucking idiots, all of you.

Annie

* * *

From: Park (SatCon)

To: Montrose (Media Relations)

Subject: Some feminist role model you are

08:48

A 'thank you' would have been nice. Maybe a 'Gee-whiz that was quite insightful Mindy. Why are we wasting your talents on intergalactic voyeurism? You deserve a promotion and a raise'. Bitch.

Mindy

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Watney (Disco Music Hater)

CC: Sanders, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: Food Rationing

Sols 41

09:00

Mark, we have a plan in place to rescue you but in order to do it, we need you to institute severe food rationing. We have been so caught up in trying to figure out how to get you home, that we didn't take into consideration how to keep you alive in the meantime. It's going to be bad but we need you to reduce food consumption to 2/3 a ration once a day. Also, we need a full inventory of your food updated daily.

We're so sorry for overlooking this. Hang in there Mark, we're get you home!

Venkat

* * *

From: Watney (Disco Music Hater)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

CC: Sanders, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: RE: Food Rationing

Sols 41

09:05

Really? You guys only thought of this now? I thought of this on day one. I've only been eating two rations packs a day sense the HEREMES left. So I got more food than you think. Not that this really matters. Once the potatoes are ready to harvest, I'll have a nearly endless (if somewhat boring) food supply. Though something tells me, I'm going to need more ketchup.

Anyways, what's this plan of yours? And when will I be getting the hell outta here?

Mark

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: Watney (Disco Music Hater)

CC: Sanders, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: Food Rationing

Sols 41

09:12

Potatoes? What potatoes?

Venkat

* * *

From: Watney (Disco Music Hater)

To: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

CC: Sanders, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: RE: Food Rationing

Sols 41

09:19

The potatoes I have growing in the HAB's kitchen area. Now what was this about a rescue plan?

Mark

* * *

From: Sanders (Director, NASA)

To: Watney (Disco Music Hater)

CC: Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: Food Rationing

Sols 41

09:22

Where the heck did you get potato seeds? How are you growing them? When did you come up with this idea? Why didn't you tell us about this before now? What is the status of your plants? How many do you have? How are you watering them? How are they even growing at all?

Teddy

* * *

From: Watney (Disco Music Hater)

To: Sanders (Director, NASA)

CC: Kapoor, Henderson, Montrose

Subject: RE: Food Rationing

Sols 41

09:24

Who the fuck cares about all that right now? I have potatoes. They're growing fine. The rest of your questions can wait. Now, how the fuck do you guys plan to get me off this god damn planet?

Mark


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So I realized that I hadn't included any communication between Mark and the Crew since the first chapter. So here it is. Thanks for the continued support.

* * *

Chapter Four:

From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

To: Watney (Farmer Mark)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: Small Talk

Sol 53

16:08

So… how are you poop potatoes doing?

Rick

* * *

From: Watney (Farmer Mark)

To: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Small Talk

Sol 53

16:14

So they're finally letting you guys talk to me again? The potatoes grew ridiculously, of course. After all, I am the greatest botanist on the planet after all. I harvested them and replanted the smallest ones a few days ago. By the way, tell Beck he needs to give you a colonoscopy. If the smell of your shit is anything to go by, something has probably died in your rectum.

Mark

PS- Poop potatoes? Seriously? This is legitimate, ground breaking, life-saving science going on here.

* * *

From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

To: Watney (Farmer Mark)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Small Talk

Sol 47

16:21

You're bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase 'eat shit'. And you can't blame me. I didn't come up with it. Blame Jimmy Kimmel, he's the one who coined the phrase. My wife says that #pooppotatoes has been trending on social media ever since.

Rick

* * *

From: Watney (Farmer Mark)

To: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Small Talk

Sol 53

16:25

I am the first and only person to ever colonize a freaking planet. And I did it by sciencing the shit out of my environment. I have signal handily taught us more about Mars then the last two decades combined have. My ingenuity and brilliance are unparalleled in the ages of space travel. I AM LEGEND!

Mark

* * *

From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

To: Watney (Farmer Mark)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Small Talk

Sol 47

16:33

Call it yourself whatever you want, fact is your still eating my shit.

Rick

* * *

From: Beck (Doctor)

To: Watney (Farmer Mark)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Small Talk

Sol 47

16:38

I hope you loading up on vitamins and antibiotics. Consuming another humans waste is a pretty good way of contracting all sorts of nasty diseases.

Chris

* * *

From: Lewis (Commander)

To: Martinez, Watney

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: Status Update

Sol 47

16:45

Knock it off Rick. What Mark is doing (desperate and disgusting as it may be) is both extraordinary and ingenious. Fact is, if any of the rest of us had been left behind we'd be dead long before a rescue could be mounted.

How are you holding up Mark? Have you completed NASA's Rover Mods?

Lewis

* * *

From: Watney (Farmer Mark)

To: Lewis (Commander)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 47

16:58

Unfortunately yes. I have a feeling the roof mods that they had me do were solely to destroy my wonderful piece of artwork on the 'General Lee'. I suspect Ms. Montrose is the culprit. She was screaming about it in every message to me for days before JPL "conveniently" decided that the optimal location for the Big 3 was on the roof. And with the saddlebags they've had me add to the sides, I feel like I've gone from Dukes of Hazards to True Grit. Ah well, I've traded one 'Duke' for another I guess.

But enough about trivial things like my continued survival on a hostile planet. We need to have a serious discussion… or rather an intervention. Disco music? Seriously? You were born in '89 for crying out loud, there is no excuse for ABBA being the most prominent band on your media drive.

Mark

* * *

From: Lewis (Commander)

To: Watney (Farmer Mark)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 47

17:05

What do you have against disco? It's catchy, it's cheesy, and it's always upbeat. Tell me, have you ever heard a depressing disco song? Disco is all about having fun and enjoying life. Besides, I met my husband at a disco rink in 8th grade. So it holds a special place for me.

Melissa

* * *

From: Watney (Mark Refuses to Turn the Beat Around)

To: Lewis (Commander)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 47

17:13

So Mr. Commander Lewis is has no taste in music then as well. I guess it's true what they say, birds of a feather really do flock together. Come on, someone out there back me up.

Mark

* * *

From: Johanssen (SysOp)

To: Watney (Mark Refuses to Turn the Beat Around)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 47

17:16

I prefer the Beatles myself, personally. And Metallica. Not much else otherwise.

Beth

* * *

From: Watney (Mark Refuses to Turn the Beat Around)

To: Johanssen (SysOp)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 47

17:21

Beatles and Metallica? Johanssen what the fuck? Could you find to more opposite genres?

Mark

* * *

From: Beck (Doctor)

To: Watney (Mark Refuses to Turn the Beat Around)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 47

17:28

There is nothing wrong with liking… opposite genres. I think it's awesome.

Chris

* * *

From: Watney (Mark Refuses to Turn the Beat Around)

To: Beck (Doctor)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Status Update

Sol 47

17:33

Of course you do, because you're banging her. I'd listen to anything she wanted me too as well if I could hit that. : )

Mark

* * *

From: Johanssen (SysOp)

To: Watney (Mark Refuses to Turn the Beat Around)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: WHAT THE FUCK!

Sol 47

17:37

HE TOLD YOU!

Beth

* * *

From: Watney (Mark Refuses to Turn the Beat Around)

To: Johanssen (SysOp)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: WHAT THE FUCK!

Sol 47

17:43

Uh… no. Wait so you mean you two actually are finally banging?

Mark

* * *

From: Lewis (Commander)

To: Beck, Johanssen

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: Crew Meeting

Sol 47

17:59

Crew meeting. Galley. NOW!

Lewis

* * *

From: Watney (Speechless)

To: Lewis (Commander)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Crew Meeting

Sol 47

18:01

It is with deep, sincere regret that I must say that I will not be able to attend the meeting. But I would like a report. With details. Copious detail… preferably with some pictures of the aforementioned activities which have brought about this meeting.

Mark

* * *

From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

To: Watney (Speechless)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Crew Meeting

Sol 47

18:05

I'll be sure to cut out the halves containing Johanssen. We all know its Beck you really want to see.

Rick

* * *

From: Watney (Speechless)

To: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)

CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: RE: Crew Meeting

Sol 47

18:13

Fuck you.

Mark

* * *

From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)

To: HERMES Crew (ALL)

Subject: Emails

18:30

You people do realize all emails correspondence between the HEREMES crew members and NASA are automatically published on NASA's official website right?

Vincent

* * *

From: Montrose (Media Relations)

To: HERMES Crew (ALL)

CC: Sanders, Kapoor

18:35

I hate every single one of you right now.

Annie


End file.
